As we land in February - the month of ‘love’ - for many people, who may have lost those they love, it can also bring up grief. Loss, longing and emotional sadness can arise - whether it’s simply the absence of a relationship, the loss of someone we love, or unmet expectations within our relationship, this time of year can bring grief to the surface.

We may or may even not be aware that we are grieving - grief can be sneaky in how it shows up.  Because it’s uncomfortable to face - and because the world demands we move at a fast pace - many of us learn to numb, distract or stay busy to avoid our feelings.  That leaves us grieving silently and, over time, unprocessed grief can sit in the body, affecting how we feel, think and function - without us even recognising why.

Essential oils offer us a potent way to slow down and reconnect to our underlying emotions - to go into our bodies and face the hidden grief that lives there, helping us to soften our emotional barriers and support wellbeing across our body, mind and emotions.

How grief affects us - mind and emotions

It’s a misconception that grief shows up as just sadness.  Sometimes, especially if we suppress our sadness - which is natural and common - we can experience other tell-tale symptoms that affect how we think and even cope, day to day.  These include:

• Depression
• Low mood
• Emotional heaviness
• Anxiety
• Hysteria
• Repetitive thoughts
• Challenges concentrating
• Brain fog
• Emotional numbness
• Irritability

When we’ve not created space to feel or process our emotions - which isn’t particularly invited in this society which is all about rushing and being productive - these signs are common ‘symptoms’ of underlying grief.

How grief can manifest physically

From a holistic perspective, grounded in natural universal healing laws and principles, health is often understood to work from the inside out - that what we suppress shows up later in the body.  And so, when we push grief aside, or try to ignore it, it often later begins to express through the body as physical symptoms.

In other words, our emotional imbalances manifest in the body, which is why we often hear it talked about that “The Body Keeps the Score” (Bessel van der Kolk) - aka the body is wise and will reveal to us what we are not processing emotionally.

When we aren’t processing our grief, this may show up as:

• Chronic fatigue
• Ongoing exhaustion or burn out
• Muscle tension
• Migraines
• Heart palpitations
• Hormonal imbalance - e.g. thyroid issues
• Energy fluctuations
• Sleep disturbance
• Skin symptoms - dryness
• Low immunity
• Feeling depleted without obvious cause
• Digestive disturbances

Many of these can seem unexplained - but if we look at our medical timeline, we may notice these symptoms have come on immediately following a grief or loss.  We’re not trained to look at health this way, and it’s quite a radical worldview, but I’ve found it to be true in my own life, and the lives of others I’ve guided holistically.

In these cases, physical symptoms are the body’s way of signalling hidden grief longing to be processed. And processing can even help return us to health.

Why essential oils can help

Essential oils - unlike medications that are often prescribed for grief (which may be needed at certain times and can be life-saving) - offer a natural way to support our emotional processing - whether used as a standalone, or alongside traditional medication.

Our sense of smell has a direct link to the parts of our brain that process our emotions, memory and stress response - which is why scent can have such a powerful effect on our emotions and can help us process and regulate during times of grief.  Not only that, but essential oils are therapeutic for our physical symptoms.  They can:

• Calm the nervous system
• Help us access suppressed emotions
• Release tension stored in the body
• Support emotional regulation
• Calm physical symptoms - like fatigue, tension, migraines, digestive disturbance, etc

Rather than numbing, essential oils help us to move emotions through the body, creating the safety for us to heal on physical, emotional, mental and soul levels.

Essential oils to support underlying grief

Our focus on oils in this article is to be on the oils that support the underlying, deeper cause of our symptoms: the grief that has been pushed down and left unacknowledged. If we can start to work with that, often our physical symptoms will naturally begin to relieve.

My Top 5 oils for processing grief are:

Rose - a beautiful floral oil, this oil that is traditionally associated with love opens what has closed, gently supporting deep emotional release when grief has been held in the heart for a long time - great for those who have learned to be ‘strong’ and carry on.

• Supports emotional release
• Helps soften guardedness

Bergamot - a fruity, sweet citrus, this oil is excellent when grief shows up as low mood, exhaustion and anxiety.

• Helps lift emotional heaviness - gradually
• Supports emotional expression and reduces anxiety

Frankincense - a fresh, woody-spicy oil, Frankincense has long been used as a natural anti-depressant that creates space to allow grief to surface slowly - especially for those who have been intellectualising grief.

• Supports breath when grief feels tightly held in the chest
• Helps us access emotions we’ve avoided, bringing us back to the body gently

Neroli - a sweet-floral oil, Neroli is soothing during emotional shock, heartbreak or vulnerability.

• Soothes emotional shock and helps calm anxiety whilst emotions release
• Supports those easily overwhelmed by feelings 

Cedarwood - a woody, balsamic oil, Cedarwood helps grounding and stabilises us in grief - which is helpful when emotions exhaust our bodies, causing collapse or shut down.

• Supports grief that expresses as fatigue or burnout - or emotional flatness
• Grounds us back into the body and steadies our nervous systems - inviting deep rest

A gentle grief-healing ritual

One thing to know is that to unpack grief, we go gently.  There’s no rush to dive in deeply - it’s a tender unfolding of our hearts, and happens over time, requiring safety, slowness and permission.  

Essential oils, used in ritual, can begin to open our hearts to this process - so here is a simple ritual you can use to help you ground your body, support your nervous system and reconnect with feelings that might be held beneath the surface.

Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted - even 5-10 minutes is perfect. And remember, you can pause at any time you like if it feels too much - this is about gentleness, not pushing.

1. Begin by creating some space to be with yourself - get cosy blankets, a journal, and light a candle to honour and welcome your grief - by doing this you are choosing to carve out time to be with your emotions.
2. You may like to additionally create space with some beautiful scent - blend 4 drops Neroli and 2 drops Frankincense, mixed in water in an electrical diffuser or candle burner.
3. Prepare a massage blend - mix 3 drops Rose, 2 drops Cedarwood and 1 drop Bergamot into 15ml Grapeseed oil.
4. When you’ve prepared your space and oils, sit or lie down comfortably, placing one hand on your chest and one on your lower belly - and take 3 long, slow breaths, allowing your exhale to be longer than your inhale.  There’s nothing to ‘fix’ here, we are just inviting your emotions - don’t force them, just allow yourself to be present.
5. Grab your massage oil and apply it gently to your body in long, slow strokes, in a direction towards your heart.  Use your intuition here - you can apply it to your whole body for full impact - or just your chest and heart area, or your wrists if you’re feeling sensitive. Move slowly, let this be a reminder to your body that you’re here to support yourself - and that you are safe.
6. Notice what arises as you become present with yourself. Don’t move to fix, just allow yourself to feel whatever your feel - there’s no need to analyse, this is simply about allowing anything to come up.  There may be tears, numbness, warmth, or nothing at all - all is welcome. It may take some time for you to begin feeling, so simply allow whatever comes up, even if it’s nothing immediately.  If your mind wants to move away, bring your mind back to the scent and name what you can smell, hear, or see.
7. Grant yourself permission to feel. If emotions do arise, you may like to journal on them and capture them - remember it is okay to feel, there’s no rush and all is welcome. If you feel overwhelmed, pause and come out of the ritual to the present moment.
8. To complete the ritual, take a slow breath, feel your feet on the floor, and open your eyes to notice the room around you.  Each small moment of connection helps.

You may like to use this ritual once a day or a few times a week - it’s especially supportive in the evening or during emotionally charged times.  But remember; go gently - softness is key.

Grief heals when we meet it with love, rather than force or numbing.  Essential oils won’t take the pain away, but they can help us choose to meet grief consciously and become more present with our feelings.  It’s a deeply hard and brave journey to begin to face our emotions - but it’s also really powerful to do so.

February is about love, and that includes grief - as Martin Pretchel said: “Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honours what it misses.”  We have been taught that our feelings are wrong, and should be shut down - but really, grief is love.

Essential oils can help us remember and access the love that we have shut down, innocently, in our loss.

Nicole Barton
Consultant Aromatherapist

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