Let’s normalise shame - it’s something we very often don’t talk about in our society.  I’ve come to see that we feel it - often heavily, because it’s so baked into our culture - yet it’s never really acknowledged, and therefore we don’t realise we are feeling shame, or the physical manifestations of it in our bodies.

Many great teachers - like Brené Brown and Gabor Maté - have called shame the ‘deepest wound’ that leaves us feeling ‘not good enough’ - defining it as “intensely painful feelings of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” - or an inner voice that says, “I am bad.” This shame is often first learned in childhood - and we fear it because of the possibility of disconnection.

But shame isn’t just emotional - when left un-noticed, it can leave a whole-system imprint - on our bodies, emotions and nervous systems, leaving us feeling unworthy, exhausted and burned out from trying to be ‘more enough.’ It can manifest in all kinds of ways - from physical, to emotional and spiritual. 

Aromatherapy offers embodied support for healing shame - by allowing us to connect with our bodies, tend our nervous systems and heal our emotions around shameful feelings.  This article explores how this feeling shows up and discusses common essential oils for healing shame.

How shame shows up

We often think of shame as just an ‘emotional’ response, so let’s start there.

In our emotions

Shame shows up in our emotions when we feel a sense of being ‘wrong’.  We may suffer with:

• Low self-worth - a feeling of ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I don’t belong’
• Self-criticism - a harsh, blaming internal dialogue, beating ourselves up and expecting perfection
• Fear of judgement - fearing being rejected for who we are and hiding; we may fear our authentic selves being seen
• Disconnecting from our emotions - or we may struggle to express our emotions openly
• Feeling guilty - as if we have done something ‘wrong’
• Feeling unlovable - believing that we are not worthy
• Feeling anxious - worrying about getting things ‘wrong’ again

These emotions can be responses to feeling ‘wrong’ and indicate that we are impacted by shameful feelings.  What isn’t commonly seen is how these feelings then manifest physically - so let’s explore how shame shows up in the body.

In our bodies

Naturally, when we begin to have shameful feelings, this changes how our body responds - because it’s really a trauma response. If shame has been living in us unacknowledged - perhaps carried since childhood - it can begin to impact how we hold ourselves.  Here are some of the physical symptoms of shame:

• Exhaustion - if we are unconsciously carrying shame, masking and managing self-worth, this can lead to burnout
• Numbness - feeling disconnected from physical sensations
• Nervous system responses - freeze, fawn, flight or fight - hypervigilance, emotional overwhelm, difficulty relaxing
• Collapsed posture - slumping shoulders, rounded spine, head down (this is a natural shame response)
• Chest or throat constriction - this may be a response to feeling anxious, and felt as a tightness or pressure
• Shallow breathing - we may hold our breath, anticipating our next ‘wrong’ move
• Gut or digestive issues - IBS-like symptoms - especially if we are anxious
• Muscle tension - especially in the jaw, shoulders and neck

Shame can actually show up in our bodies in any way - these are just common signs that we might be trying to ‘manage’ shame, without realising. If you’re experiencing these, it could be that working with healing shame can help.  

In our behaviour

Of course, there are also some tell-tale behaviours that can also indicate shameful feelings:

• Perfectionism - striving to be flawless to avoid criticism or rejection
• People-pleasing - saying ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’, so that we remain liked
• Avoidance - withdrawing ourselves from life
• Overworking or over-achieving - to make up for feelings of being ‘wrong’
• Hiding ourselves - trying to stay small, silent or unseen
• Over-apologising - feeling overly responsible
• Emotionally numbing ourselves - disconnecting from our feelings - through busyness, distraction or addictions
• Avoiding conflict
• Trying to control everything - micro-managing to avoid failure
• Social anxiety - we can often feel anxiety around being with others if we feel shame.

If you resonate with these, then know this: it is not your fault.  Shame is literally baked into our culture - often as a mechanism to enable manipulation towards what we desire.  For example, think of when, as kids, we were taught that if we “behaved well” we could have something - e.g. ice cream, or money.  This is using shame (aka the idea of “not behaving well”) to manipulate an outcome.  It’s innocently done, because this is how our society operates. And it’s also not healthy.

As you read this, take a moment to notice where shame might live in your body, emotions and behaviours.  Is it in the tightness in your chest, the heaviness in your belly, the anxiety you feel, the way you feel you have to be perfect? Just beginning to notice this is the road to healing. If you’re feeling this, know nothing is wrong with you. Shame thrives in silence - and we can begin to heal by working with essential oils and making shame conscious.

Essential oils to work with healing shame

Aromatherapy oils offer a beautiful way to begin soothing shame - through supporting the body, emotions and nervous system to release the shameful feelings that we’ve been carrying that aren’t true.

Essential oils for shame in the body: reconnecting with felt safety

There are so many oils that can support us physically through shameful expressions, so I recommend you choose based on your exact ‘symptoms’. However, here are my Top 3 oils for shame held in the body:

• Rose - in general, this sweet, floral, feminine oil softens tension in the body and womb, and opens the heart to love - allowing stuck, shameful energy to move
• Cypress - this fresh, woody oil is a breath of fresh air for the body, encouraging us to breathe deeper into the lungs and release shame - also encouraging us to stand taller
• Ginger - this warm, spicy oil restores energy in the belly, reclaiming our gut and power centre - soothing for digestion, this is a great oil for body safety amidst shame

Body Anointing Ritual: 

• Create a heart-chest-belly anointing oil - mix 3 drops Cypress, 2 drops Rose and 1 drop Ginger into 15ml of Grapeseed carrier oil.
• Warm the oil between your hands and with slow, tender strokes in a direction towards the heart, anoint your body with this blend, applying to all the places we hold shame and holding these points, warm with oil: Heart - Chest – Belly.
• As you anoint yourself, breathe the scent in deeply, and affirm “I am safe to release shame.”
• Notice what resistance arises to that statement - that’s your place to learn to love.

Essential oils for emotional shame: softening self-blame

Emotionally balancing oils are powerful for shame release, so here are my Top 3 emotionally-balancing oils:

• Ylang Ylang - this rich, intense, exotic floral oil is potent to dissolve shame and the inner critic. Ylang Ylang reconnects us to a sense of playfulness, sensuality and emotional openness, softening that hardness of shame.
• Geranium - a fresh, rosy floral, Geranium restores emotional harmony and the safety to feel without feeling overwhelmed.
• Neroli - a citrussy-floral oil, Neroli offers profound support for emotional shame and inner child healing that is rooted in abandonment or fear of disconnection.

Emotional Diffusion Ritual:

• Create a diffuser blend - mix 3 drops Neroli, 2 drops Geranium and 1 drop Ylang Ylang in water in an electrical diffuser or candle burner and set your space to be nourishing.
• Inhale the aroma, breathing deeply as you ground and settle.
• Grab your journal and contemplate:

                - What part of me feels shameful? Where do I frequently blame myself?

                - Where does shame live in my emotions? What emotions do I feel when I feel shame?

                - Can I love this part of me, instead of berating it?

•  You might like to complete with the anointing ritual above.

Essential oils for shame held in the nervous system: regulating ourselves

When we are in ‘shame’ mode - often without realising - we can go into a nervous system dysregulation.  We might feel paralysed, overwhelmed, or anxious.  So, oils that support regulation and a sense of inner safety are important. Here are my Top 3 ‘regulating’ oils:

• Roman Chamomile - a strong, herby, fruity oil, Chamomile is a powerful soother of ‘frazzle’ - the best oil for tender systems.
• Frankincense - this woody, spicy, balsamic oil anchors and reconnects us to breath and body - inviting stillness and presence - very soothing for the nervous system.
• Vetivert - an earthy, smoky, woody oil, known as the oil of tranquillity, this is deeply grounding when unanchored or numb, and soothing and restorative for the nerves.

Mirror Inhalation Ritual:

• Whenever you are in need of some calm and relaxation in the throes of shameful feelings, pop 1 drop of each of Roman Chamomile, Frankincense and Vetivert onto a small cotton pad, rolled into an aromatherapy inhaler.
• Take this blend to a mirror, where you can, and sit in front of it - witness yourself there.
• Place a hand on your heart and say, “I am safe to relax, I am safe to be me, I am safe to be imperfect”.
• Notice what arises as you do this - without judgement, bringing loving awareness to yourself and any objections that arise.
• Give your body some gentle rocking movements to soothe your nervous system.

As you start to work with healing shame, it might feel a little ‘odd’ to be in these practices.  That’s okay - healing shame can be a long road, and feel quite uncomfortable, but the more presence you can bring to yourself, the more healing can be reclaimed.

Shame doesn’t need to be a battle, just witnessed and held in love.  The more acceptance of ourselves we can bring, the more healing we can create.  Essential oils support that process, offering us support for the whole - mind, body, spirit.  

Go slowly - let the oils meet you and help you release what was never true to carry.

Nicole Barton
Consultant Aromatherapist

Disclaimer & Safety Advice

Read other articles by Nicole Barton